you are so impossible. i swear if it turns out to be you trying to hurt me, i will have an emotional break down. a big one. i will scream and hurt someone. he will hurt you. i won’t stop him. if it’s you, fuck you. forever. i will never talk to you. i will hate you.
i long to hear your voice. it’s odd, because i’ve never felt that way about you before. after the many months of struggles with you, i never felt as though i needed to hear your voice.
i don’t want to hear just your voice though. i want to hear the voice i hear when it’s just you and i. the voice that was born under the stars and was raised in the waves.
maybe soon.
it’s weird to think that it’s already been a year. the first couple months were rocky. but we figured it out. we made it. i’m 17, can i be in love? i don’t know what i’d ever do if we broke up. i cry thinking about it even. how stupid am i?
i love the stupidity, though. he makes me happy. he keeps me safe. he cares.
i can’t remember the last boy that consistently cared. it’s been a year, and he still cares. more than he did to begin with, not less. more.
i am not good at words right now. i am sick, i am tired. i miss him.
i miss you. sometimes, but not always. when i think about you, my heart feels heavy. but i don’t know what to do about it. because i talk to you, and you’re distant. you feel as if you’re bigger than me now. though, i suppose you’ve always felt bigger than me. you like being bigger than people, because you’ve always felt so small. and you are small. you have a lot of sadness.
i have a lot of sadness too, lost girl. i need a friend. but you are lost. you are bigger. you are gone.
told me he loves me. and i love him, too. i always, always have. we are not in love. but we love each other so damn much. we talked, keeping the other sane and safe from ourselves for three hours tonight. we spilled secrets. as if we did it under the stars like we once had. i love him. he loves me.
i will be okay again.
